Let It Go…
Forgiveness.
A very simple word that is usually associated with ‘sorry’ yet when you go deeper into the meaning there is more to it then just ‘sorry.’
According to Psychology Today, in an article by Maureen Healy, a child development expert, “Forgiveness is an emotional process of clearing past hurts so you can be free to live your happiest life as an adult or child.”
I totally agree with this definition. At the end of our day, we want peace and happiness in our lives and if we tend to carry emotional baggage with us, that happiness is not going to come to us. We all have our issues, problems that have to be solved, but holding grudges and not letting go of issues is like pulling yourself back into the darkness.
The reason I brought up this topic is because I felt our kids will be the future and if they can learn forgiveness from a young age, they can make the world a better place for themselves. Yes..this may sound bit of a mundane topic, but these are the thoughts I wanted to share with you and see where do we stand.
Currently, as a Jain, we are in the midst of celebrating our most holy event, Paryushan. It lasts for 8 days. In it, lot of people do fasts and prayers as a means to get closer to their spiritual self. At the end of the fasts, we ask for forgiveness from each other or any being we have hurt by saying ‘Micchami Dukdam.’ It translates into: “If I have offended you in any way, knowingly or unknowingly, in thought, word or deed, then I seek your forgiveness.”
I would say mostly all religions have a period of forgiving throughout the year like Lent for Catholics and Christians or Eid for Muslims. If you are an atheist, that is perfectly fine, but I believe that forgiveness can be seen as a part of humanity which is what makes us humans.
So you may wonder why preach forgiveness to kids. They are small – what will they understand or how much will they even understand about this topic? Well, even if my kids hardly understand it, I am fine as long as I have planted the seed of forgiveness in their heart and yes, it is not an overnight thing.
“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.” –Martin Luther King, Jr.”
First step is to acknowledge that we are hurt. With my kids, they are well aware of being physically hurt. However, it is that emotional hurt I have to talk it out of them. I will be like what happened, why are you quiet? Till 10 minutes, my son will not answer. Finally, after firing him with bunch of questions and if one question hits the right answer, BINGO, he starts talking. However, if none of my questions hit the right answer then I am back to square one of question games.
Second step is to understand why you are hurt. After guessing the right question, I ask him all the W’s (Who, What, When, Where). Then he starts telling me of what someone said to him or behaved in a way that he thought was offensive. I stop him there and ask him to figure out exactly why he felt hurt. Was it something the kid had said or was it exactly how he behaved.
One thing I always tell my kids, as a parent, I can solve your problems at home, but outside the house, you have to learn to solve your own problems because I can not be everywhere or every step of the way protecting them.
Third step is to decide how you want to deal with the problem. By holding sentiments or grudges, we don’t really grow as a person. In this case, Aarav decided to go tell his friend how he felt by that comment that had hurt him. He told the friend to put himself in Aarav’s shoe and asked how he would have felt. I was actually proud of him for doing that.
Lastly, you have to let it go. That is what I explained to Aarav that since you talked to the other person, you have to leave it up to him to realize his mistake. You just let it go and now do your own thing since there is no point pondering over it. It took him two days to still let it go, but after he did, he told me he felt better and that when he sees the other kid, he feels nothing towards him.
It is not about being right or wrong, but more about at being in peace with yourself and when you do that you start loving yourself too. When I was younger, I used to hold lot of grudges against people who have hurt me in someway. I would just keep thinking that this person did this to me or she/he was mean to me. However, as I grew up, I realized that life moves on and my holding onto grudges was not really getting me anywhere – in fact, I had become a very bitter and sarcastic person.
It took a while for that change to come with the help of my hubby. Now, I like being this new happy, mentally content, and self-loving person I am.
I must admit that my kids are avid watchers more than listeners and by preaching to the choir, I am not going to gain anything. If I want to plant this seed of forgiveness in my kids, then I have to start the change and when they see that then only they will think about forgiveness and may become humble beings.
Michami Dudkadam to all my friends and family.
