Are you a good parent?

Are you a good mommy? Are you a good daddy? What kind of parent are you?

These are questions we often ask ourselves due to societal norms, peer pressure, or our standards.

Why do we put ourselves in a judging boat to be examined? Why cant each parent be called a parent? Why do we have to label the word ‘GOOD’ parents? Like children, why do parents have to follow a certain set of norms or rules that they have to fit in to be considered a good parent?

Why not break these norms?

It has been two years since I started this blog with the goal of sharing my experiences with other moms in the hope that we can learn from each other. My experiences are all my trial and errors with my kids.

Does that make me right? Does that make me a perfect mom?

No! However, it pains me when other moms compare themselves to other moms and feel that they are not good enough or not a great mom. This got me thinking is there a magical list of what are the top 10 reasons for being a good mom.

Curious to know, I googled up few reasons.

• being a good role model, behaving in a certain way
• always have a positive attitude
• being creative, artsy, and of course cooking or feeding kids healthy food all the time is a must
• being responsible and having patience
• always dressed well, always knows what to do
• she upholds traditional values, has high moral standards

Take a minute to write down your notions of being a good mom or a parent. How many of these so-called notions are pre-set or programmed into our heads?

Why can’t moms help each other out and why can’t moms stop judging other moms? Because each mom knows what is best for their child. So how can another mom judge or evaluate that mom?

We often say each child is different – even in twins, each child has their own personality – then it is so obvious, each mom must be different also. Each mom or dad have their way of communicating with their kids.

Whether you are a new mom, second-time mom, a teen’s mom, an older kids’ mom, the most important thing to remember is IT IS OK TO MAKE MISTAKES.

If you are learning something new, you will fall, but eventually, you have to get up and do it again. We have not trained to become moms then technically, it is also the first time, then why do we get so judgemental and critical of ourselves and other moms?

These are few tips to allow us to breathe.

1. Is it ok to make mistakes?

Yes! Why don’t we give ourselves some room for mistakes? Will it be the end of the world, if something is not done right? Will your kids be hurt if you make a mistake?

Ask your self these questions. I have come to the conclusion “NO”. All my kids want is a feeling of security from me that I am with them.

Initially, as a new mom, I would get scared and be afraid to make mistakes because technically, as a mom, I should not be making mistakes or I should have done my research and I should know the right way.

Now, I have come to the point where I talk to my kids about my shortcoming as a mom. They tell me it is ok to make a mistake and they see that if an adult can make a mistake and learn from it, so can I as a kid. Allowing yourself to make mistakes, you give yourself room to grow to become a better you.

2. Mothering comes naturally?

When you observe some people, you will see some moms fully equipped, attentive, and they are so well ready for this motherhood job. You wonder how do they do this.

For some of us, mothering is not a natural process. Therefore, it is OK if mothering does not come naturally.

According to an article, 10 Common Myths of Motherhood, “Motherhood is hard work and when you combine all the major transformations having a child brings into your life with sleep deprivation and learning to care for a tiny human, there are bound to be some bumps in the road.”

Therefore, if it is not a natural thing for you, don’t feel stressed or depressed that you may not be good enough for this job. I feel mothering is an art of which we can learn the tactics and master it just as if you are learning to cook or bake.

3. How can I ask for help?

Again with a lot of societal norms, many of us feel we may be judged if we ask for help because that is a sign of weakness.

But hey, it is not and it is perfectly ok to ask for help than become frustrated or get burnt out or overwhelmed. You can ask for help from people you trust, neighbors, friends, and family. Even if you feel you can handle this sometimes, asking for help doesn’t hurt.

Physical, emotional, social, and mental help are all types of help that you should not be afraid to reach out for. In the end, if you are happy, then your kids and the people around you will be happy.

As a mom, if you see another mom asking for help, please help them with the right advice rather than making them feel guilty that they do not know the stuff. It takes courage to ask for help and admit your weakness. If we do not support each other as moms, then who will?

4. How can we put ourselves first before our kids? Should we be “guilty”?

“Please put on your masks before helping others,” as they always announce in airplanes. This a motto to remember.

I am very much guilty of not following this, but now I am trying to do this. Initially, I would always put kids first before myself for anything like food, going out, their needs, and their interests. Often at times, I would be so tired to attend to myself after caring for the kids.

When your child is born, you get attached to your child and it is an invisible pattern that you fall into of putting your child first. There is this guilt that always eats me away when I leave the kids and try to do something for my fun.

It took me a while to break out of this guilt and realize that along with their needs, I have to find some time for myself and my interests. I do feel that guilt here and it takes a lot of support from my husband and inlaws that with their encouragement, I can go out and enjoy myself.

If you look at the bigger picture, your child is with you till they are 18 years and most of the time, once they turn teenagers, they prefer to hang out with their friends so on whole you are spending a good 13 – 18 years of your life for them. However, then what?

You have always put your child first and once they leave, you are at a loss as to what to do or where to start. Therefore, why not start balancing your interests along with your child’s interest.

I am talking from a mom’s point of view, but these are also meant for dads. In the end, remember, you know your child’s need much better than anyone else so you be the judge of what your child needs and don’t let anyone decide for you.

Don’t let any such notions decide whether you are a good parent or not. Let your kids be your judge because they will tell you what they need and in their eyes, you will always be the perfect parent!